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Not pictured: MERCY.

Sometime in mid August, the gormless citizens of a gormless town found themselves ooo-ing and aaaaah-ing over a bright light that could be seen blazing across the horizon in the starlit evening sky. This turned out to be a meteor, which had ignited the atmosphere around it and was charging toward the ground at scientifically hilarious rates. 10,000 people died, and that was just from fright. As the meteor smashed into the town square, a further 20,000 people were immediately incinerated in the thermobaric shockwave, 30,000 expired later from one trillionth degree burns, and 60,000 others became pregnant, including people without uteruses.

SEXY ORIGINS

Emerging from the smoldering crater was a being so beautiful, so pure in form, that the initial 20,000 incineratees were resurrected, incinerated, then resurrected and incinerated again just for good measure. The surviving men, glimpsing upon this magnificent creature, wailed and sliced off their penises, unable to bring themselves to insert them into the genitals of a lesser woman, which all of them were lesser now. They would keep them in mason jars suspended in milk, a reminder of the lives they once lived. The surviving women then welded their vaginas shut because I have no fucking clue. Periods? Women are weird.

The perfect and very, naked creature gazed upon the destruction she had wrought, and was pleased. This planet would be the perfect vessel for The Harvest.

This was not Czarina Wreath.

Czarina Wreath was the girl who promptly put 7.62 millimeters of hot lead at close range right in between that being’s stupid, immaculate eyes.

“This is my town, bitch,” she hissed as she licked the blowback blood off of her luscious, full lips. She smiled. It tasted like excitement and unicorn orgasms. Defiant and sadly fully clothed, the much hotter, much more awesome girl waltzed off onto the moonlit road, the shrieks of thousands of dickless losers her orchestra.

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